He's My Brother' or Killer Brownies
by JediGurrl
Summary: Jay and Bob have a surprise houseguest. Rating for swearing and sexual innuendo


I don't own Jay or Bob, I'm merely borrowing them for a romp through the dark corners of my mind. I'll give them back when I'm finished.  
  
Bob is the first one to get to the door at the sound of a knock. When he sees who is standing outside he's shocked into speech, "Lindsay?"  
The girl on the other side of the door is slender, a little shorter than Jay, and is carrying a worn blue backpack. She puts her hands in the kangaroo pocket of her skirt and shrugs, "Yeah. S'it okay if I crash with you for a while Bobbo? Just until a problem at home blows over." Bob waves her into the apartment and glances both ways down the hall before shutting the door.  
Jay walks into the room and stops short when he sees Lindsay, "Holy shit. Bob, there's a girl in the apartment." Bob rolls his eyes. Lindsay shrugs out of her backpack, tossing it carelessly into a corner, "Yeah, he knows. He let me in. I'm Lindsay by the way. Bob's sister."  
"How come you never told me you had a fucking sister you tubby bitch?" Bob shrugs, lighting a cigarette.  
"He probably never told you about me because I make him nervous." Lindsay says, taking Bob's cigarette. She takes a long drag and lets the smoke out her nose as she hands the cigarette back to him. She looks Jay up and down, "Who are you?"  
"I'm Jay, Silent Bob's hetero lifemate." Lindsay nods, "Okay. Bob said that I could crash here for a few days." Jay deflates, "Damn, that means I'll have to clean up my act." Lindsay smiles lopsidedly, "Why? I'm not planning on cleaning up mine." Jay stares at her blankly for a moment, then grins, "I think I'm gonna like you, you're hot AND funny."  
"I also make killer brownies."  
"No way."  
"Yes way."  
"No WAY."  
"Very way."  
"No fucking way."  
"Way fucking way." Jay turns to Bob, "Can we keep her?"  
  
  
Later that night Lindsay is out picking up dinner. Jay is waxing poetic (as poetic as Jay can get anyway) about her. Bob quietly finishes his cigarette (his eighth since Lindsay showed up three and a half hours ago, which averages out to one cigarette every twenty-six minutes and fifteen seconds.) He flicks the butt expertly into an ashtray on the table, "Jay, if you hurt her in any way..." Jay holds his hands out defensively, "Hey, hey, I understand. No fucking my partner's sister, I get it. But if she comes to me..." Bob raises an eyebrow threateningly. Just then there's a thump as someone kicks the door. Jay hops up and opens it, Lindsay is standing outside with two plastic grocery bags in each hand and a cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth, "Are you gonna help me with these before I drop them and break the fucking eggs?"  
"Nice motherfucking language. Which parent you get that mouth from?"  
"My mother. Are you going to help or not?" Jay takes two of the bags as Lindsay walks into the apartment. Jay looks both directions down the hall before kicking the door shut. Bob takes Lindsay's cigarette as she walks past him into the kitchen.  
Lindsay sets the bags down on the counter and massages feeling back into her fingers. Jay sets the other bags down too and hoists himself up to sit on the counter, "What's for dinner babe?"  
"Scrapple. Midwest style." Jay stops digging through the bag in his search for junk food, "What the fuck is scrapple?"  
"If you get of the counter and help, you'll find out sooner." Jay hops off the counter, "What can I do?" Lindsay leans around the doorframe so she can see Bob, "Hey Bobbo, can I trust Jay with sharp objects?" Bob shakes his head vehemently.  
"Okay, how about eggs?" Bob shrugs, Lindsay nods, "Eggs it is then." She turns back to Jay, "You can beat the eggs. Get a bowl and crack six eggs into it and beat them with a fork until they're foamy." Jay does as he's told, surprisingly without comment. While he's beating the eggs, Lindsay cuts flour tortillas into strips. After a minute, Jay shows her the eggs, "Is this foamy enough?" She takes a half step closer to him and looks down into the bowl, "Looks like."  
"So what now?" Lindsay shakes herself and steps back again, "Now you stir in the salsa and sour cream. A blob of each." Jay gets the containers out of the shopping bags and starts stirring. Lindsay cuts the tortilla strips into squares. She finds a pan and puts it on the stove. She warms the tortilla squares in melted butter, then takes the egg mixture from Jay and pours it into the pan too, "Jay, stir this so it doesn't stick. I need to cut the avocado." Jay takes the spatula and starts stirring. Lindsay sighs, "Not like that." She stands behind him and takes his hand. He turns to look at her, "You're doing this just to fuck with my head aren't you?" Lindsay grins and rests her chin on his shoulder, "Yeah, I am. You'll get used to it." Jay snorts, "Or I'll fucking snap." Lindsay laughs and steps away, "This sort of thing is why I make Bob nervous. It just proves that he has no control over me."  
She starts slicing an avocado. After a moment Jay asks, "Has Silent Bob always been, well, silent?" Lindsay shakes her head, "No. But it's his story to tell, not mine. How done is that?" Jay looks at the contents of the pan, "Still runny."  
"Good." She leans around him and splashes a liberal amount of Tabasco sauce into the eggs. Jay starts, "Whoa, hey. Are you trying to fucking kill us?"  
"Just keep stirring." Lindsay manages to find three plates, one of which is actually a serving tray. She slides avocado slices onto them, and then gets a packet of shredded cheese out of one of the bags, "Move Jay." She bumps him with her hip. Once in control of the pan she rips open the cheese and sprinkles it into the eggs, then gives the whole mess a final stir to melt the cheese. She divides it into three portions and flops one onto each plate, on top of the avocado.  
Jay snatches one of the plates, Lindsay sighs and picks up the other two, "Jay, if you can scrounge up some utensils, you might be able to prove that you weren't born in a barn." Jay finds one fork, one spoon, and one green plastic spork. Lindsay thunks a plate down in front of Bob, "Chow time Bro." Jay takes a large bite, "Shit. That's got some kick to it. Just, bam, right in the fucking tonsils." Lindsay laughs, finishes her own plateful and sighs contentedly, "Okay Bobbo, Jay and I cooked, so you can do the dishes." Bob nods making an 'it's only fair' face.  
As soon as Bob leaves the room, Lindsay leans in and locks lips with Jay. Jay is surprised at first, but after the initial shock (after all, this IS Jay we're talking about here) starts to enjoy himself. After a few moments, they both come up gasping for air. Lindsay unties the bandanna from her head and ruffles her hair.  
"Whoa."  
"What?" Jay points to Lindsay's head, "Your hair...is purple." Lindsay feigns shock, "No. You don't say. How DID that happen?"  
"You're fucking with me aren't you?" Lindsay licks her lips, "Not nearly as much as I'd like to." Jay is puzzled, "You mean you wanna..." He makes a lewd hand gesture. Lindsay nods, "Ever since I first laid eyes on you. Does this place have a laundry room?"  
"Laundry room? Yeah, in the basement, why?" Lindsay mimics Jay's hand gesture, "Hey Bobbo, Jay's going to help me with my laundry. We'll be back." Lindsay scoops up her bag on the way out the door.   



End file.
